I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
