hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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