Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
