The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
