At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
