i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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