People with herpes should wear stickers.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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