i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
