I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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