Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
