cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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