If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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