I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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