The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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