Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
