I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
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I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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