oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
