What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
