My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
