ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
