well he's currently spooning the coffee table
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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