so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
