I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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