So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She announced her abortion via fbk
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
