News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
