The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
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Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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