i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
