32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
