Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
