My cat gives me a boner
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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