Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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