that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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