all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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