I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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