Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
