toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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