Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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