and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
