I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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