I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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