I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
