Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You work out of a Hotel?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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