During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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