Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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