So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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