I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
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I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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