I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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