I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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