Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
