So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
