I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
