Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
