We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
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Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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