I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
