i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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