All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
