One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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