Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I want her autograph on my taint
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
