i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
did you just send me my own nude
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
