saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You ruined the universe
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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