I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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