Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
